I hate anti-aging skin creams and I am a nasty customer when I go out to buy them. All those bogus potions do is fleece your bank account — and they do nothing for your face and who-knows-what to your health.

They make me mad.

And I hate that I’m embarrassed to have them in my shopping cart. I wonder if people are looking at me more closely. Oooh, you’re buying wrinkle cream? You must be older than I thought. 

So I decided to create my own cheap, all-natural, anti-aging, skin care regimen.

It’s a three-step system called, “Sex, Sleep and Sardines”. The first two steps will cost you nothing and the third is only $2.99.

Here’s how it works—

1. SEX:  In addition to being a fabulous use of your time, sex brings a rush of blood to your skin, gets everything circulating and really gives you a youthful glow. And that burst of cardio is a lot more fun than the one I get from my elliptical. Try to break a sweat if you can. It takes 10 years off my face every time.

Frequency: Three times per week and build up from there

2. SLEEP: Segue right from the sex to the sleep if you can. Getting enough sleep is so important: the less you get, the older you’ll look. I know there’s always dim lighting but that’s a little awkward to pull off during the day. Besides, sleep rejuvenates and repairs your skin for free. If you have trouble nodding off, follow step one first, but take it easy; you want to wind down, not rev up.

Frequency: Seven or eight hours per night

3. SARDINES: This is where you run into some cost because the only kind of sardines I can stand are called Millionnaires, although at $2.99 a can, they’re still a good deal. They’re a little slippery going down, but you won’t throw up if you chase them with something tart like cranberry juice. Sardines are packed with omega-3 fatty acids, which help keep your skin cells flexible, plump and full of water and nutrients. They also keep the cell membrane healthy so that all the good things stay in and the waste products go out. That means softer, younger-looking skin.

Frequency: Minimum of three times per week

This little regimen was working quite well for me until I ran out of the first ingredient; I broke up with the boyfriend and I’ve been really upset but it’s been especially hard on my face.

You may have this problem too so I’m working on a solution. As soon as I have it, I’ll let you know.

c 2013 Kathy Barthel